OPINION
Remarks on Comments from Asshats
Why I don’t read baited comments beyond the first couple words in the preview line. Why allow it more deeply into my consciousness?
Saying ‘I disagree and here’s why’ is usually how my wife and I argue, it’s how I argue with a friend at a dinner table: We state our points of view in a way that is not only direct but respectful, kind even. This is how people have engaging conversations and debate and it can be damned exciting. In the end, because of discourse rather than discord, we hug and tighten our friendships. To do that involves a lot of listening and asking questions, not just proffering your opinion. The people who come over and get but-hurt because you disagree with them, who get angry and try and shut you down, or who fall silent and pout, usually don’t get invited back… or we graciously put up with them because they are your friend’s significant other for a bit.
I participated in years of university critiques of my art, I work in a creative department and submit designs to clients. In this line of work, one learns to accept and use constructive criticism, the rest you either put in its proper place (the bin) or personalize it and let it hinder your ability to improve. You do the latter and you drive yourself batty; why let out space rent free in your head to idiots?
My skin is thick but like anyone I have some tender spots but I’m fine with people not agreeing with me. Imagine if we all held the same points of view and agreed all the time, how boring! My mum espouses some ideas with which I wholly disagree, she votes for people I dislike and I disagree with some of her religious views. We opine and debate but still have a good, loving relationship built on care and respect. She’s not a hateful person, some of her ideas just don’t jibe with mine, I think they are old-fashioned and often regressive, but I never call her stupid or make other ad hominem attacks. The way I see it, we both have a right to be wrong and if I listen to her, maybe I’ll gain some new perspective — and I have done. In reality, our social and political points of view are a small part of our personhood and thus don’t define our relationship.
It’s easy to sit behind a computer screen and cast aspersions — I call it digital courage and it’s anything but brave.
In my Medium comment section, it is often clear a person read the title, subtitle, and little more before they begin slamming away on their keys all bent out of shape. Not only is that disrespectful to the writer, it makes the commenter look supremely foolish. Sometimes, they angrily make the very point I make in my essay. Personally, I like to read something and sit with it before I comment. Maybe I’ll even go back and re-read it and ask myself, “Is it worth my time and effort?” If the answer is yes, I write the comment and sit with it before posting.
If obvious someone didn’t at least skim my piece or they are just being angry asshats trying to hook me, which are both usually evident in the preview line, I chuckle and don’t even read it.
For simply telling my story or sharing my perspective, I’ve been called a fool, stupid, ignorant, told to go and die, and told I am going to hell. They’ve called me sick, a misogynist, a groomer. Now, that is mostly encountered on Quora, which I long since abandoned but it has been increasingly showing up here on Medium. Hands down, the best was when I got an alert that someone saved an article to a folder named “The Stupidest Arguments Ever” — my essay was the only one in there so I assume they made it especially for me. Admittedly, as someone who enjoys a bit of snark, I found that kind of clever and I did feel a bit chuffed at the honour. Then, more notices followed about other essays I’d written being saved to other snarkily-named folders — I don’t remember them all because after two, I stopped reading the alerts. Clearly, to elicit such a reaction, I had an impact on that person, I significantly occupied their consciousness and, to me, that is a thing of beauty. I had a hearty and rather loud belly laugh at that one because rather than being ignored, I was actually acknowledged and apparently somehow mattered. I honour the dick’s creativity, I remember it, but the dick don’t really matter in the end.
Now, Medium is mostly populated by people who are too emotionally intelligent to stoop to drama and theatrics, the keyboard warriors are out there but the vast majority of people are helpful and constructive. When someone insults and tries to tear someone down, they’re too self-absorbed to realize they’ve opened a window into their soul to reveal what small, spiteful, nasty little pricks they are. When stated so negatively, their opinions offer no value because they’ve absolutely nothing constructive to say. It has the inverse effect on me and strengthens my resolve to keep going in the opposite direction from what they intend and writing to my heart’s content; it’s the only way I will continue to improve my writing.
Inspired by “How To Tell A Writer She Sucks Without Actually Saying it” by Linda Caroll
